Women’s versus Men’s
experience: Differences and Equality
Biologically a woman is different
from a man.
Borysenko’s description of the
female life cycle in het book “A woman’s book of
Life” is enlightening.
She reminds us of the pulses of
information we receive from the rhythms of the earth, the moon (the universe?)
and from our (mother’s) hormones, even before we are born. She points to the
complexity of our hormonal system, influencing not only physical processes but
stimulating our limbic system - a constellation of structures specialized for
generating the emotions of pain and pleasure - or “emotional brain” as well.
She explains the way our nervous system myelinates pathways that extend from
the emotional centers of the limbic system to the neocortex (more complex
emotions) - and the frontal lobes, the newest evolutionary addition to the
neocortex. MacLean calls this the “heart of the brain” and the faculty of
self-awareness and introspection[1].
This process of myelinating causes
our neural circuits to literally learn from
experience, “fixing” our brain to respond to information and stimuli in general
in a certain way. There are critical periods for learning; the transient window
of opportunity for empathy for instance, begins to narrow at about eighteen
month of age, when the frontal lobes finish their basic neuronal hookup to the
emotional limbic system. Assuming that mothers (and fathers) treat their sons
and daughters in the same loving way, baby girls and baby boys would be equally
emphatic after 18 months, interesting….
I elaborate on this process because
I think it is important when we discuss differences between men and women. For
me it implicates that we, as human beings, create who we are by interacting
with other people and experiencing our lives. Let me assume for a moment that
men and women are only different in the biological sense; the differences
between men and women on all other levels are then caused by the way we live
and by constructs we created ourselves.
Sometimes I wonder if it makes a
difference. From a soul point of view, we could see life as a way of coming to
consciousness. The existence of two genders is in our species biologically
necessary to create offspring, and has in that context meaning. However,
consciousness itself surely does not have genderal duality. In my view that
could mean that it is the experience of life that “counts”
and the whole gender issue is nothing but an opportunity to experience
life from different perspectives. Intriguing, because it
would mean that the difference itself is meaningful. That notion spirals
back to the synergetic relationship Keen and Borysenko propose for their heroic
new couples, appreciating differences as a means of learning.
The biological difference between
men and women however has far-reaching implications.
Apart from the different functions
in our procreational process, an important difference is that women have
definite cycles, not only periodically but also throughout their lifetime. Men
go through transformations too, but not to the extend women do. The symbolic representation of the moon and the sun….
Is it fair to suggest that this
makes women more flexible, more adaptable, and more adjustable to changing
circumstances and situations? It could even be the main reason women are (need
to be) more sensitive and responsive to what is, including other people’s needs
and feelings.
I want to explore a metaphor, even
if it does not exactly fit this theme: maybe woman have to manage sailboats
where men are driving cars. Both need certain skills to handle their rides,
both need to acquaint themselves with their possibilities and limitations. To
move in the water (versus on the road) definitely requires a totally
different approach: sailors need to take into account the structure of the boat
itself, how it is made and how it responds to the water and the wind. They have
to learn about the currents in the lake; about the winds, which are invisible
and less predictable.
“In learning to sail you do not
change the current of the water nor do you have any effect on the wind, but you
learn how to hoist your sail and turn it this way and that to utilize the
greater forces which surround you. By understanding them, you become one with
them, and in doing so are able to find you own direction – so long as it is in
harmony with, and does not try to oppose, the greater forces in being[2]”. (June Singer was
referring to the Individuation Process, but I love this metaphor!).
Maybe men need more
technical skills to drive their cars, more structured knowledge about their
vehicle and its maintenance. They need to know where they are going and
can plan how they want to get there. Once on their way they can travel in
straight lines not bothered by currents or changing winds.
Similarities?
Somehow, I have trouble with the
word similar (resembling, but not the same). Like the sailor and the driver, a
woman and a man are the same: human beings. The (only?) difference however is
the vessel they choose for their path through life. This demands such a
different approach in so many aspects of their response to life that it has
become hard to see that men and women are fundamentally the same.
I sense sameness beyond the
socialization into our cultural constructs. I see sameness beyond the process
of myelinating of our neural pathways.
I think we are physically
different, causing us to become, and this seems inevitable (and not a bad
thing), psychologically different. (Even in the animal world males and females have their particular qualities and tasks in life.)
However, on a soul level we, women
and men, are the same.
In a way, I would like it to be
like that – that would fit right into my notions about souls and reincarnation.
As a soul, I would prefer to have the opportunity to experience life on this
plane in its different dimensions.
The tricky part is of course how we
humans historically “translated” the physical differences into psychological
constructs that determine how we live and in that sense how we are and feel. As
our construct no longer seem to work is it fair to say we are ready for some
major transformations? Humanity seems to go through a phase in which we (or at
least the pioneers among us) have become conscious enough to realize we have
choices and responsibilities.
Psychological
equality.
Of course, the sailor and the
driver are equal; men and women are equal, I cannot see it any other way. And yes, we act differently and we are treated differently
because there are major differences in the way we face life. That does not make us un-equal. In fact, every human being faces life
in a different way, acts different and as a result is treated
different. That does not discredit the fundamental equality of all human
beings.
However, we are
still faced with the generalizations (cultural constructs) about
specific groups of human beings and the resulting discriminations. Much like
our myelinated neural pathways, these patterns in our society are hard to
transform, but I truly believe we are step-by-step going in the right
direction.
I do not really have an opinioned
idea where men and women stand today on the issue of equality. In my part of
the world, there are still some differences in work opportunities and
compensations but as I see it women are very present
in politics and science nowadays, so I guess new pathways are being formed.
Two-thirds of the medical students in Marc’s University are women; more than
half of the students in
In day-to-day life, I experience many
situations in which I am amazed by the depth of our stereotyped thinking. My
mother has a new car. A few weeks back she discovered that the heating system
did not work. When she called the garage, the man told her in a very friendly
way she should stop by so he could take a moment and explain it to her. I
wonder whether a 35-year-old male would have gotten that answer… In our
cultural construct we (especially women) become stupid
and helpless with age.
Sometimes I wonder why I am the one
responsible for the housekeeping, the cooking, shopping, driving and
school-meetings etc., etc., but I cannot honestly blame that on un-equality,
not really. I feel that I made some choices in life and I am responsible for
the consequences of those choices.
Although it feels unfair sometimes,
and yes, the wife takes care of the house and the kids in this case, I
consciously chose to marry, to have children and to divide chores on every step
of the way. Even though I often feel stuck in this “deal” now, I would not have
wanted it any other way. It helps me to realize that.
My experience.
I was born into a family with four
girls and one boy. My parents were modern, well-educated people. My mom came
from a higher-class family in
In retrospect, I realize this is
probably a form of denial, but at the time I believed
my parents were right and I still have an issue with women who, in my view,
“overact” femininity.
In high school
I preferred math and sciences so in that time my schoolmates were mostly boys
and rarely girls (like me). Later in Business school the same, I related mainly
to boys and only had few girlfriends. Somehow, I had more in common with the
men; the women seemed the stranger creatures. I thought they were often
artificial, missed integrity and I had some bad experiences with
confidentiality. There were just a few of us, and maybe the girls had to be
tough to succeed in a men’s world? However, I admit I came from a protected
context and was probably naïve in many ways.
During my childhood and school time I do not remember man/woman (un)equality ever being an
issue.
After college, I started working in
the pharmaceutical industry. Men occupied most of the more commercial
positions, but I did not feel any disadvantages in being a woman in the
marketing department. On the contrary, I often thought it an advantage to be
“different” (a women and young).
Maybe
Then I married and we moved to
Although I am
still disgusted by the system, I realize that the people living it
consider it the way things are and should be; their reality and their truth,
their construct. The impossibility to discuss things, for instance the
treatment of women, is most frustrating. Even the women I worked with for
years, who I came to respect and admire, are mostly totally convinced of the
superiority of men and their right to treat women any way they please. It is of
no use to get angry with a man who treats you as an inferior, because for him
he treats you “as a woman”, so he really does not understand your point.
Somehow, historically Islam does
not invite her devotees to think for themselves. Most Muslims I met don’t dare
enter into a dialogue about themes that are remotely touching their religion.
They seem to restrain from thinking about, or discussing what is in the Koran
or proclaimed by Islamic leaders. I think Muslims probably consider it
inappropriate, and are not really willing to confront their traditional ways
with mere human values or ideas[3].
Women
and men seem to live in separate worlds in
In
our factory most of the women over 16 were married with 15 to 20 years older
men they did not know before their wedding. Many of the husbands were
unemployed and sitting outside a café drinking coffee all day. The women were
supposed to hand over their salaries, do the household and the cooking and
provide them with sons. Although familial aggression officially is no longer
tolerated, beating a girl or a wife is common practice.
In
itself this experience is a living example of how our constructs determine how
we live and feel about ourselves and each other. In a way it is amazing to me
to discover at each level to what extend we create with our thoughts what we
are and what our world looks like. It sometimes scares me; on the one hand we
feel so utterly helpless by the overwhelming complexity of our reality, on the
other hand we are the ones who create it, or at least how we experience it, by
the way we think. It is high time we
learn to “manage” our minds.
When
we moved back to
And
then, near the other side of the scale, the world of people more like me;
searching for things beyond (escaping?) their limited realities. Therapists and other humans who want more out of their lives and
feel a longing to make the world a better place. I met many beautiful
people, men and mostly women. I must admit that, for the first time in my life,
I felt at home with women.
Of
course I literally dis-covered hidden layers and
dimensions of myself, step-by-step realizing the female stuff I am made of. I
learned a lot from women these past 10 – 15 years; most of all that women
experience life in a different way. The feminine way of connecting, knowing,
growing etc. is definitely worthwhile and something I want to explore.
It
is weird to realize that even though the women in my world were treated as
equals, I myself thought women the lesser humans for such a long time. That
reality transformed drastically, and with it the way I feel about myself. Now I
have to watch out not to tip the balance the other way.
I
experience every day how limiting the constructs of my mind are and how I live
my own truths according to them. Awareness of this process is at least a step
in the right direction to avoid making and living these constructs
unconsciously.